Looking in the mirror, I choose to see nothing but my blessings...
My freckles tell the story of the many days I spent frolicking in the Atlantic Sea.
To have spent hours floating on a raft, allowing the current to carry my childhood away to a place of
buoyant tranquility, is the heaven only an 8 year old can fancy.
My curved, titanium, screw-filled back speaks to the countless whimsical hours I spent jumping
and tumbling across a gym floor, and falling off a balance beam.
To have never fallen from a 4 inch wide line, would mean I had never learned the resilience,
and even more so, gratitude that comes with perseverance.
The cellulite on my thighs are my badge of honor.
One could only be so lucky to have had countless meals shared around a table with family where laughter
and love were the main course.
My belly is a beautiful manifestation of friendships.
Be it happy hour, beer or wine tastings, or just a night out with the girls,
to have never shared my innermost thoughts with those I trust so deeply, would truly be to have never
had a life worth living.
I choose to thank God, for ALL of my "blessings"...now time for you to thank Him for yours.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Saturday, May 22, 2010
1000 Prayers or a Single Whisper to God?
I have been pondering a conversation I had with my sister a couple of weeks ago. We got onto the discussion of prayer and what does prayer really mean. Do “prayer chains” somehow make God listen and act quicker on whatever subject is being prayed for? Do 100 prayers somehow “trump” a single prayer from a single person? I have actually heard several people talk about this very topic. I have even heard people mock the idea of “prayer chains” and I would be lying if I said I never laughed at the idea that somehow a collection of 25 prayers outweighed a single plea to God. I absolutely have; what can I say? There was a time when I simplified things WAY too much. However, I view this topic very differently now.
I believe that the most important thing we must do is to love one another. God asks this of us time and time again. And I firmly believe that prayer is one of the biggest ways we can show and feel love.
I am NO EXPERT on God…let me repeat this. I AM NOT AN EXPERT ON GOD!!! I am not a pastor, a deacon, a priest, a nun or even an usher. I am simply a spiritual person who has thought about this a lot and for whatever reason feels compelled to write my thoughts down about it.
When I had major surgery several years ago I had the blessing of having many, and I do mean MANY people praying for me. I know I was on several “prayer chains”. Do I really think that the reason I came through that surgery and am the active, pain-free person I am today is because I had hundreds of prayers instead of just one or two that I prayed myself? ABSOLUTELY!!! Do I think this is because God somehow said, “Well, since Deborah is so loved and she has all these people praying I’m gonna do her this one solid.”? ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!
I do believe that God is so big and so complex that he can hear a whisper just as clearly as a thousand screams. However, there is also something to be said about the human spirit; how knowing that I had so many people who loved me or my loved ones enough, that they took a few precious moments out of their day to lift MY name in prayer. That LOVE (prayer,) gave me the comfort and strength (and also gave my loved ones comfort and strength) I needed to deal with the physical, emotional and mental struggles that I would face during my recovery.
I know that when I am praying for someone I love or the loved one of someone I care about I feel connected to that person. God is the great connector. It is through him that we love each other and care for each other and the way we exhibit this is to PRAY for each other!
So while, NO I don’t think that God will somehow act quicker based on the volume of prayers being sent his way, I do think he takes great delight in knowing we love each other and HIM enough to pray for our fellow man. And for that I do believe there is great power in prayer! Prayer gives people comfort when they are hurting, strength when they are feeling weak, clarity when they are lost and LOVE when they need it most.
I believe that the most important thing we must do is to love one another. God asks this of us time and time again. And I firmly believe that prayer is one of the biggest ways we can show and feel love.
I am NO EXPERT on God…let me repeat this. I AM NOT AN EXPERT ON GOD!!! I am not a pastor, a deacon, a priest, a nun or even an usher. I am simply a spiritual person who has thought about this a lot and for whatever reason feels compelled to write my thoughts down about it.
When I had major surgery several years ago I had the blessing of having many, and I do mean MANY people praying for me. I know I was on several “prayer chains”. Do I really think that the reason I came through that surgery and am the active, pain-free person I am today is because I had hundreds of prayers instead of just one or two that I prayed myself? ABSOLUTELY!!! Do I think this is because God somehow said, “Well, since Deborah is so loved and she has all these people praying I’m gonna do her this one solid.”? ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!
I do believe that God is so big and so complex that he can hear a whisper just as clearly as a thousand screams. However, there is also something to be said about the human spirit; how knowing that I had so many people who loved me or my loved ones enough, that they took a few precious moments out of their day to lift MY name in prayer. That LOVE (prayer,) gave me the comfort and strength (and also gave my loved ones comfort and strength) I needed to deal with the physical, emotional and mental struggles that I would face during my recovery.
I know that when I am praying for someone I love or the loved one of someone I care about I feel connected to that person. God is the great connector. It is through him that we love each other and care for each other and the way we exhibit this is to PRAY for each other!
So while, NO I don’t think that God will somehow act quicker based on the volume of prayers being sent his way, I do think he takes great delight in knowing we love each other and HIM enough to pray for our fellow man. And for that I do believe there is great power in prayer! Prayer gives people comfort when they are hurting, strength when they are feeling weak, clarity when they are lost and LOVE when they need it most.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
New Year...New Me?
Wow...what can I say except that 2009 was quite honestly a life changing year for me. It certainly had its up and downs, but all in all it was by far one of the best years I have ever had. So here is a brief look back at my year 2009 (in no particular order): ran my first mile in over 7 years; trained for and completed my first triathlon; lost 50 lbs; trained for and ran my first half marathon; bicycled Horsetooth in CO; went to Hawaii; made new friends; let go of some old "friends"; decided that to forgive is often times better than to be "right"; realized that when life is at a peak moment the valley that may follow seems soooooo much deeper; adversely, I realized that without the valleys the peaks are meaningless; let go of old insecurities; allowed new insecurities to creep in and take hold; learned that ALMOST ALWAYS those insecurities are nothing more than nasty negative forces trying to keep you down; spent too much time on facebook seeking validation; spent too much time on facebook trying to help validate others; began my first blog, only to post the link on facebook to once again feed my overwhelming ego; found out that I do NOT have allergies and that the recurring sinus infections were nothing more than the lack of proper antibiotics; found out that I have asthma; FINALLY realized that feeling guilty for eating pizza, hamburgers, cake, French fries, burritos, tacos, ice cream and the like is absolutely useless and only adds fuel to the fire that is my self-loathing-body-image-issues-that-I-have-had-since-childhood; resolved to the idea that I LOVE FOOD and therefore the only way for me to maintain a healthy weight is to work my ASS OFF; decided to start LOVING my body, as it is the only one God gave me and therefore, I should cherish it even when it is not at peak performance (which it has yet to be); stopped making excuses and started facing the truth...oh, and the old Bible verse, "...the truth will set you free" is in fact true; spent ungodly amounts of money on running shoes and attire; realized that I am absolutely terrible when it comes to wastefulness…I am WAY TOO wasteful; I also realized that no matter how disciplined I can be in some areas of my life I absolutely cannot seem to stay disciplined for longer than about 3 days when it comes to keeping a tidy house, laundry, dishes, etc.; caught my first case of acne; had bangs cut to hide said acne; realized that I bake a mean pumpkin cupcake; I also make a mean praline; realized that spending $150 to have my house cleaned BEFORE having everyone over for Christmas was a HUGE waste of money and that money would have been MUCH better spent AFTER everyone had left; realized that I am actually NOT perfect…one can only imagine what a kick in the gut THAT was; I am flawed; learned that there are things completely beyond my control and all I can do is give it up to the good Lord above (I am still working on putting this into practice…perhaps THAT will be 2010)! I hope everyone had as eventful a year as I did, but if not then perhaps 2010 will be your year of metamorphosis. I went from a caterpillar to a butterfly in 2009…now for 2010 I’m going to FLY!!!
Monday, November 9, 2009
Don't Judge; LOVE
So I had a little epiphany today. Ok, maybe not an epiphany, but more like something I already knew finally sunk in.
Have you ever felt judged? Ok, obviously that was a rhetorical question. Have you ever felt judged by someone you see on a VERY regular basis? That is probably pretty obvious as well. We have all felt as though we were being judged. Sometimes it is our own insecurities, sometimes it is simply that the person we feel we are being judged by is just not very open, and sometimes that person actually is judging us. Regardless of whether or not we are, in fact being judged, the feelings we have are VERY real.
I have been struggling for a few months with this exact situation. I feel like I am being judged by someone whom I really shouldn’t feel that way about. For whatever reason so many of my insecurities creep up whenever I am around them. I feel I have to be overly careful with what I say, how I say it and even how I react to things they may say or do. It is exhausting. Have you ever known someone whom you found so incredibly annoying that you actually found yourself being somewhat dismissive of them? You would never be out right rude, but you don’t go out of your way to be overly kind either. I know I have felt that way before. I’m not proud to admit that I have been quite dismissive, distant and indifferent to people I should have never felt that way about. I now know what it feels like to be the person who is on the receiving end of that not-quite-rude-but-very-passive-aggressive-obnoxious behavior. Now, whether or not what I am feeling when in the presence of this person is their intention is not the point. My feelings are real.
What is also real is the bourdon I have been carrying around because of this feeling. I have become incredibly insecure about things that I have always been passionate about. I have allowed myself to second guess the gifts that God has blessed me with and I have scrutinized myself when I should be loving myself. I have also carried a large amount of resentment and frustration for this other person. I have allowed myself to pick apart their weaknesses. I have made jabs at them (to myself of course not directly to them), I have scrutinized their character and I have been unkind when venting to friends about this person (not that there is anything wrong with venting; just being unkind). I think all of this behavior that I have engaged in is quite normal. I think most of us have that instinct to attack when we feel we are being attacked.
I have prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed…you get the picture. I have reflected on this situation far more than I probably should have, as I have given it way, WAY too much power.
What I have finally realized…well I shouldn’t say I “realized” this because I already knew it was the right thing to do…what I should say is what I have finally DECIDED to do is to turn those negative resentful feelings into love. Yes, I have decided to LOVE this person. As hard as it is, I need to do this not only because it is right and good but because it is the only thing that will truly free me from my little prison of frustration and conflict I have been in. I would encourage anyone in this situation to do the same thing. LOVE those who are judging you. And I don’t mean the “I will love them as a child of God” way, but really LOVE them. Find something about them that you admire. Something that they have within them that makes you think, “because of that quality this person makes the world a better place.” I’m not saying it will be easy. In fact, it’s damn hard. But I believe it can be done, as I am working on this part myself. When you see them, compliment them; make them feel good about themselves. Genuinely LOVE them the way you love a friend.
What I can say is that in the very short time since I have made my decision to love them whom I am being judged by, I somehow feel lighter. This person may still be judging me; they may still find me incredibly annoying, heck maybe it was all in my head. Whatever the case is I don’t care anymore. My focus is no longer making sure I somehow live up to the expectations of someone I really don’t even know that well. My focus is living up to the expectations of those who know and love me. My friends and family know I am not an unkind person. I was not raised to tear someone else down and myself in the process. I was taught to be loving and kind and open and accepting. Those are the opinions I care about and that is what really matters. As long as I lead with love God will handle the rest.
Have you ever felt judged? Ok, obviously that was a rhetorical question. Have you ever felt judged by someone you see on a VERY regular basis? That is probably pretty obvious as well. We have all felt as though we were being judged. Sometimes it is our own insecurities, sometimes it is simply that the person we feel we are being judged by is just not very open, and sometimes that person actually is judging us. Regardless of whether or not we are, in fact being judged, the feelings we have are VERY real.
I have been struggling for a few months with this exact situation. I feel like I am being judged by someone whom I really shouldn’t feel that way about. For whatever reason so many of my insecurities creep up whenever I am around them. I feel I have to be overly careful with what I say, how I say it and even how I react to things they may say or do. It is exhausting. Have you ever known someone whom you found so incredibly annoying that you actually found yourself being somewhat dismissive of them? You would never be out right rude, but you don’t go out of your way to be overly kind either. I know I have felt that way before. I’m not proud to admit that I have been quite dismissive, distant and indifferent to people I should have never felt that way about. I now know what it feels like to be the person who is on the receiving end of that not-quite-rude-but-very-passive-aggressive-obnoxious behavior. Now, whether or not what I am feeling when in the presence of this person is their intention is not the point. My feelings are real.
What is also real is the bourdon I have been carrying around because of this feeling. I have become incredibly insecure about things that I have always been passionate about. I have allowed myself to second guess the gifts that God has blessed me with and I have scrutinized myself when I should be loving myself. I have also carried a large amount of resentment and frustration for this other person. I have allowed myself to pick apart their weaknesses. I have made jabs at them (to myself of course not directly to them), I have scrutinized their character and I have been unkind when venting to friends about this person (not that there is anything wrong with venting; just being unkind). I think all of this behavior that I have engaged in is quite normal. I think most of us have that instinct to attack when we feel we are being attacked.
I have prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed…you get the picture. I have reflected on this situation far more than I probably should have, as I have given it way, WAY too much power.
What I have finally realized…well I shouldn’t say I “realized” this because I already knew it was the right thing to do…what I should say is what I have finally DECIDED to do is to turn those negative resentful feelings into love. Yes, I have decided to LOVE this person. As hard as it is, I need to do this not only because it is right and good but because it is the only thing that will truly free me from my little prison of frustration and conflict I have been in. I would encourage anyone in this situation to do the same thing. LOVE those who are judging you. And I don’t mean the “I will love them as a child of God” way, but really LOVE them. Find something about them that you admire. Something that they have within them that makes you think, “because of that quality this person makes the world a better place.” I’m not saying it will be easy. In fact, it’s damn hard. But I believe it can be done, as I am working on this part myself. When you see them, compliment them; make them feel good about themselves. Genuinely LOVE them the way you love a friend.
What I can say is that in the very short time since I have made my decision to love them whom I am being judged by, I somehow feel lighter. This person may still be judging me; they may still find me incredibly annoying, heck maybe it was all in my head. Whatever the case is I don’t care anymore. My focus is no longer making sure I somehow live up to the expectations of someone I really don’t even know that well. My focus is living up to the expectations of those who know and love me. My friends and family know I am not an unkind person. I was not raised to tear someone else down and myself in the process. I was taught to be loving and kind and open and accepting. Those are the opinions I care about and that is what really matters. As long as I lead with love God will handle the rest.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
It's been a while...
WOW…where in the world shall I start? It has been so long since I have updated my blog and so much has happened. I guess I’ll start with the Triathlon.
As you probably know I was training for the Tri for the Cure that is held in Denver in August every year. I had one goal and that was to finish the triathlon in 2 hours or less. I must admit that I trained pretty hard for this, but because when I began my quest for pink I was in the WORST shape of my life, I knew I had to set a somewhat realistic goal. I had somehow allowed myself to gain over 50 lbs and become about as unhealthy as I could get. So, you can only imagine how much “fun” I was having during the beginning of my training. However, I had a goal and come hell or high water I was going to achieve it. I knew I wouldn’t be able to go at it alone and was fortunate to have so many people cheering me on as I embarked on this journey. Not to mention my faith in God…without that I would have been toast the first week.
So, August 2 comes and my sister, sister-in-law and I are all at the event getting excited. I am feeling really good about the swim, as I am normally a pretty strong swimmer. As they sounded the horn for our wave to begin it took me a bit to get my rhythm. Just as I was finding my pace another swimmer decides to pass between me and the swimmer on my right. Now, please know that swimming in a triathlon is already like giving100 other people full permission to beat you senseless, while you are blindly kicking and stroking your way through a forever changing obstacle course. In fact, a friend of mine who is an Iron Man tri-athlete sent me this very funny video that basically describes the swim portion perfectly, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U_6tOzt-nfM. Anyway, as this other swimmer barreled her way between the person to my right and me I swam left to get out of her way (mind you, had she just been paying a bit more attention she would have seen that the space between me and the swimmer on my right was way too narrow for someone to pass, yet to my left was WIDE open…I’m not bitter, though). As I am doing this the swimmer who was clearly not paying attention also swims left and just as she gets ahead of me and just as I am turning my head to take a breath she kicks me in the face causing me to inhale half of the reservoir and the entire funk that is in it. I of course completely lose my breath and at first I can’t even cough. I had to stop for a moment and prop myself up on one of the floaters until I could cough out some of the water and breathe. I would guess I probably stopped swimming for a good 30 seconds to a minute, maybe even longer.
Once done with the swim I managed to get through the bike and run without any major setbacks. Well, except for the fact that I was coughing water periodically throughout the race. All in all it was a great experience and while I didn’t finish in under the 2 hour goal I had set for myself (my time was actually 2:01:00…1 minute over my goal), I am cutting myself some slack, as I fully blame the chick who kicked me for my one minutes delay. That’s right, I don’t think I should take ANY responsibility for my time, as I am sure that had I not been kicked I wouldn’t have had to stop, nor would I have been slowed down by the water I was coughing up during the whole race (and was STILL coughing up the next day) and therefore, would probably have actually won the entire race. Ok maybe not, but hey…if it makes a girl feel better to say that then that’s what I’m gonna tell myself. It’s not like YOU were out there swimming, cycling and running your little butt off. :)
I am now training for a half marathon that I will be running in December. I haven’t set a time goal yet, as I want to get a better grasp of what my average pace in the cooler temps will be before I do that. I can tell you this, though, I never thought I would be a person who would even consider running a half marathon much less actually signing up and training for one. I always said, “I’m not an endurance athlete…I am strong and can lift tons of weight but I can’t run to save my life.” Well, I guess I proved myself wrong on that one. As I have said before, I have always loved challenging my body and pushing it to see how far I could make it go. However, in the past that meant I would only “push it” in the little comfort zone of lies I told myself. Which kinda meant I wasn’t really “pushing it” at all. I mean sure I would increase weight and max out when I was leg pressing, but I KNEW I was good at that. THIS that I am doing now is the true meaning of “pushing it” for me. When I began running I began on a treadmill and could only run for 2 minutes before I had to stop and walk. It seemed like it took months before I could run an entire mile. I actually remember how excited I was when I ran that first FULL mile. Now here I am getting ready for another 6 mile run tomorrow. 6 MILES…I never thought I would run 6 miles without stopping. I also never thought I would enjoy running 6 miles without stopping, but I can finally say that I do. I ENJOY running! Who knew?
Next stop…maybe Cowtown half marathon in Feb. and then CapTexTri in May where my sister-in-law (and hopefully my sister) and I will participate in another triathlon. This time, for me it will be an Olympic distance. Gotta love it!
As you probably know I was training for the Tri for the Cure that is held in Denver in August every year. I had one goal and that was to finish the triathlon in 2 hours or less. I must admit that I trained pretty hard for this, but because when I began my quest for pink I was in the WORST shape of my life, I knew I had to set a somewhat realistic goal. I had somehow allowed myself to gain over 50 lbs and become about as unhealthy as I could get. So, you can only imagine how much “fun” I was having during the beginning of my training. However, I had a goal and come hell or high water I was going to achieve it. I knew I wouldn’t be able to go at it alone and was fortunate to have so many people cheering me on as I embarked on this journey. Not to mention my faith in God…without that I would have been toast the first week.
So, August 2 comes and my sister, sister-in-law and I are all at the event getting excited. I am feeling really good about the swim, as I am normally a pretty strong swimmer. As they sounded the horn for our wave to begin it took me a bit to get my rhythm. Just as I was finding my pace another swimmer decides to pass between me and the swimmer on my right. Now, please know that swimming in a triathlon is already like giving100 other people full permission to beat you senseless, while you are blindly kicking and stroking your way through a forever changing obstacle course. In fact, a friend of mine who is an Iron Man tri-athlete sent me this very funny video that basically describes the swim portion perfectly, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U_6tOzt-nfM. Anyway, as this other swimmer barreled her way between the person to my right and me I swam left to get out of her way (mind you, had she just been paying a bit more attention she would have seen that the space between me and the swimmer on my right was way too narrow for someone to pass, yet to my left was WIDE open…I’m not bitter, though). As I am doing this the swimmer who was clearly not paying attention also swims left and just as she gets ahead of me and just as I am turning my head to take a breath she kicks me in the face causing me to inhale half of the reservoir and the entire funk that is in it. I of course completely lose my breath and at first I can’t even cough. I had to stop for a moment and prop myself up on one of the floaters until I could cough out some of the water and breathe. I would guess I probably stopped swimming for a good 30 seconds to a minute, maybe even longer.
Once done with the swim I managed to get through the bike and run without any major setbacks. Well, except for the fact that I was coughing water periodically throughout the race. All in all it was a great experience and while I didn’t finish in under the 2 hour goal I had set for myself (my time was actually 2:01:00…1 minute over my goal), I am cutting myself some slack, as I fully blame the chick who kicked me for my one minutes delay. That’s right, I don’t think I should take ANY responsibility for my time, as I am sure that had I not been kicked I wouldn’t have had to stop, nor would I have been slowed down by the water I was coughing up during the whole race (and was STILL coughing up the next day) and therefore, would probably have actually won the entire race. Ok maybe not, but hey…if it makes a girl feel better to say that then that’s what I’m gonna tell myself. It’s not like YOU were out there swimming, cycling and running your little butt off. :)
I am now training for a half marathon that I will be running in December. I haven’t set a time goal yet, as I want to get a better grasp of what my average pace in the cooler temps will be before I do that. I can tell you this, though, I never thought I would be a person who would even consider running a half marathon much less actually signing up and training for one. I always said, “I’m not an endurance athlete…I am strong and can lift tons of weight but I can’t run to save my life.” Well, I guess I proved myself wrong on that one. As I have said before, I have always loved challenging my body and pushing it to see how far I could make it go. However, in the past that meant I would only “push it” in the little comfort zone of lies I told myself. Which kinda meant I wasn’t really “pushing it” at all. I mean sure I would increase weight and max out when I was leg pressing, but I KNEW I was good at that. THIS that I am doing now is the true meaning of “pushing it” for me. When I began running I began on a treadmill and could only run for 2 minutes before I had to stop and walk. It seemed like it took months before I could run an entire mile. I actually remember how excited I was when I ran that first FULL mile. Now here I am getting ready for another 6 mile run tomorrow. 6 MILES…I never thought I would run 6 miles without stopping. I also never thought I would enjoy running 6 miles without stopping, but I can finally say that I do. I ENJOY running! Who knew?
Next stop…maybe Cowtown half marathon in Feb. and then CapTexTri in May where my sister-in-law (and hopefully my sister) and I will participate in another triathlon. This time, for me it will be an Olympic distance. Gotta love it!
Friday, July 17, 2009
Technology and Dating...Interesting Combo
Well, it has been quite a while since my last post and so much has happened. I went to Hawaii, went to Colorado and rode up Horsetooth, continued my training for the triathlon that is 2 weeks away and with my sister’s help began embarking on the world of online dating. Now by “sister’s help” you must know that really SHE is the one doing the online dating; it just happens to be on my behalf. She wrote my profile, weeded through the potential “matches”, emailed or “winked” at the ones she deemed good fits for me and then if/when they would respond she would call me and tell me all about them. If they didn’t respond then she would call me and say, “Well, I guess they didn’t like us…; perhaps he thought we were rude.” Seriously? “…didn’t like US…thought WE were rude…”? Yes, my friends I have become what most 30 something single women so badly want to become. I have finally become a “We”. Now forget the fact that the “We” in this case is me and my oh-so-married-with-children older sister. Nonetheless, a “We” I have somehow become.
I must admit, I quite like this arrangement, though. She is like my own personal dating assistant. She does all the hard work, the work I HATE doing. You know, the sifting through profiles, looking through cheesy photos, making sure that they meet the right requirements I have set up for my future significant other. Then as she determines which ones are my “type” (for lack of a better word), she sends off a nice little email (of course signing it as “Deborah”). It is only when they have emailed me back that I actually have to begin taking over. Now I will say I am completely new to this whole online dating thing. In fact, I’m really not sure that it’s for me. But I figure why not?
Cut to my very first phone conversation with one of my online “boyfriends” as I like to call them. I must admit I was quite hesitant to call this particular fellow, as he works in a similar field as me and I was worried that he could potentially be a client of mine. But, after doing my research I realized he was not one of my clients and decided to call. Now, WHY did I call him, you ask? Because he said he likes “independent women who aren’t afraid to call the man…” I quickly realized that is a creative yet articulate way of saying, “I am quite insecure and don’t have the gonads to make the first move.”
About 5 minutes after talking to this nice man I realized that this is NOT the guy for me. Oh, he was nice…VERY nice. However, when someone goes on and on and on complementing me about how educated I sound and how well spoken I am and how “proper” I seem I tend to get nervous. Why nervous, you ask? Because anyone who has known me for more than an hour knows exactly how “proper” I’m NOT. Don’t get me wrong I am educated and I do try to speak in such a way that I don’t completely bastardize the English language. However, “proper” is taking it a bit too far. Let’s put it this way, I have the mouth of a sailor at times and quite frankly when you start telling me how proper I am (and seem very excited about how proper I am) you have pretty much lost me completely. Reason being, anyone who is looking for a “proper” lady is not someone whom I feel I can drop the f-bomb in front of, or discuss some of the more personal topics that anyone who knows me knows I LOVE to discuss.
To be honest after about 15 minutes I was ready to get off the phone, but I didn’t want to hurt this guy’s feelings. So, I chatted it up with him for another 45 minutes listening to him explain to me how while he wears a suit to work everyday he really prefers the more casual lifestyle of wearing khakis, spending time on the English countryside and going to wine bars. To which I chuckled and said, “That’s casual?” I then explained to him that while I do enjoy a good wine bar and quite like wine tasting that given the choice between a wine bar or a brewery I would much prefer the latter and that while I am sure the English countryside is lovely (I wouldn’t know, as I haven’t been yet) that I really enjoy hanging out down in the hill country where I pretty much live in jeans and tank tops and drink beer. THAT is what I think of as casual. He then proceeds to continue complimenting me on how “down-to-earth” I am (wait a minute, what happened to proper), how genuine I seem to be, how kind and caring I seem to be. Now I enjoy getting compliments as much as the next gal, probably more even. However, this was a bit much for someone who had never met me beyond this hour long phone conversation.
Then as I finally made up an excuse as to why I needed to go he said to me, “well, I really like you and have enjoyed our conversation.” To which I am thinking, well I really am not interested; however, if this guy asks me out I’ll give him a chance. Why not right? All he had to do was ask. Now remember, this is the same guy who wanted ME to call him first. And while I am a self sufficient independent chick I still prefer the more traditional idea of dating where that man asks the lady out …yadayadayada. So, as I finally tell him that I am at the gym and my workout buddy is glaring at me to get off the phone (I was actually in my car in my garage) I say to him, “well it was nice talking to you; I enjoyed our conversation as well.” Now guys, if you have an hour long conversation with a woman and she ends it with a statement like that then just know chances are if you ask, she’ll say yes. And even if she says no, take comfort in knowing she is ecstatic at the fact that you asked. So, after I said the whole, “…enjoyed our conversation…” thing (which was practically like leading him to the water, all he had to do was drink) he says, “So now what?” Seriously, “now what”? He actually tried to put me in the position to ask HIM out? So, my response was this, “I’m not sure but maybe I’ll give you a call in a couple of days.” And MAYBE you should hold your breath.
Oh well, on to the next “boyfriend”…until then I’m going to keep enjoying the journey! J
I must admit, I quite like this arrangement, though. She is like my own personal dating assistant. She does all the hard work, the work I HATE doing. You know, the sifting through profiles, looking through cheesy photos, making sure that they meet the right requirements I have set up for my future significant other. Then as she determines which ones are my “type” (for lack of a better word), she sends off a nice little email (of course signing it as “Deborah”). It is only when they have emailed me back that I actually have to begin taking over. Now I will say I am completely new to this whole online dating thing. In fact, I’m really not sure that it’s for me. But I figure why not?
Cut to my very first phone conversation with one of my online “boyfriends” as I like to call them. I must admit I was quite hesitant to call this particular fellow, as he works in a similar field as me and I was worried that he could potentially be a client of mine. But, after doing my research I realized he was not one of my clients and decided to call. Now, WHY did I call him, you ask? Because he said he likes “independent women who aren’t afraid to call the man…” I quickly realized that is a creative yet articulate way of saying, “I am quite insecure and don’t have the gonads to make the first move.”
About 5 minutes after talking to this nice man I realized that this is NOT the guy for me. Oh, he was nice…VERY nice. However, when someone goes on and on and on complementing me about how educated I sound and how well spoken I am and how “proper” I seem I tend to get nervous. Why nervous, you ask? Because anyone who has known me for more than an hour knows exactly how “proper” I’m NOT. Don’t get me wrong I am educated and I do try to speak in such a way that I don’t completely bastardize the English language. However, “proper” is taking it a bit too far. Let’s put it this way, I have the mouth of a sailor at times and quite frankly when you start telling me how proper I am (and seem very excited about how proper I am) you have pretty much lost me completely. Reason being, anyone who is looking for a “proper” lady is not someone whom I feel I can drop the f-bomb in front of, or discuss some of the more personal topics that anyone who knows me knows I LOVE to discuss.
To be honest after about 15 minutes I was ready to get off the phone, but I didn’t want to hurt this guy’s feelings. So, I chatted it up with him for another 45 minutes listening to him explain to me how while he wears a suit to work everyday he really prefers the more casual lifestyle of wearing khakis, spending time on the English countryside and going to wine bars. To which I chuckled and said, “That’s casual?” I then explained to him that while I do enjoy a good wine bar and quite like wine tasting that given the choice between a wine bar or a brewery I would much prefer the latter and that while I am sure the English countryside is lovely (I wouldn’t know, as I haven’t been yet) that I really enjoy hanging out down in the hill country where I pretty much live in jeans and tank tops and drink beer. THAT is what I think of as casual. He then proceeds to continue complimenting me on how “down-to-earth” I am (wait a minute, what happened to proper), how genuine I seem to be, how kind and caring I seem to be. Now I enjoy getting compliments as much as the next gal, probably more even. However, this was a bit much for someone who had never met me beyond this hour long phone conversation.
Then as I finally made up an excuse as to why I needed to go he said to me, “well, I really like you and have enjoyed our conversation.” To which I am thinking, well I really am not interested; however, if this guy asks me out I’ll give him a chance. Why not right? All he had to do was ask. Now remember, this is the same guy who wanted ME to call him first. And while I am a self sufficient independent chick I still prefer the more traditional idea of dating where that man asks the lady out …yadayadayada. So, as I finally tell him that I am at the gym and my workout buddy is glaring at me to get off the phone (I was actually in my car in my garage) I say to him, “well it was nice talking to you; I enjoyed our conversation as well.” Now guys, if you have an hour long conversation with a woman and she ends it with a statement like that then just know chances are if you ask, she’ll say yes. And even if she says no, take comfort in knowing she is ecstatic at the fact that you asked. So, after I said the whole, “…enjoyed our conversation…” thing (which was practically like leading him to the water, all he had to do was drink) he says, “So now what?” Seriously, “now what”? He actually tried to put me in the position to ask HIM out? So, my response was this, “I’m not sure but maybe I’ll give you a call in a couple of days.” And MAYBE you should hold your breath.
Oh well, on to the next “boyfriend”…until then I’m going to keep enjoying the journey! J
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
All blocked up...
I’ve been having writer’s block lately and as someone who loves to write I find this very frustrating. While I don’t write loooooooooong in depth stories with snappy one-liners or non-fiction historical accounts of events that occurred long before yours truly graced this earth; I do find that writing is one of my many releases.
My writing is the most serious of all writings…it is to be seen as nothing more than that of pure brilliance. For my writing is the infinite boredom of my consciousness poured out in my journal…AKA my Blog. Now when I was younger I also had quite a love for writing poetry. I must say that I was actually pretty good at this somewhat of a lost art and still would write but for this issue I have mentioned above. Oh, and I am sure the fact that my life is actually in a very stable place without drama is also adding to my writers block.
It would seem that unless I am in a deep dark hole of mental anguish drowning my pathetic, over-exaggerated, mountains out of mole hills issues in beer or vodka (or whatever substance seems to be there at the time) and smoking cigarettes I simply have nothing to write about. Ever notice how smart the artsy types look while smoking cigarettes in a coffee shop? You know; the ones that waft that sweet, sweet STALE aroma of ash tray and patchouli as they float by your table in their unwashed hair, ankle length skirt, tank top and flip-flops...the hippy wannabe “non-conformists” that somehow seem to look just like all the other hippy wannabe “non-conformists” out there. Yep, I was one of those…minus the patchouli. I just knew that fragrant scent of loam (patchouli smells like dirt to me) mixed with my perfume of sweet tobacco would send every man, woman and child that brushed by me into a cosmic tailspin of envy.
Well, now that I no longer suffer the angst of (insert huge dramatic terrible event from your adolescents or college years here) you can imagine the burden of dissatisfaction this fruitless basket of creativity has left me. It would seem that while in my happy place my creativity goes out the window. The funny thing is, now when I try to go back and read some of the poetry I wrote while in college and shortly after it is so depressing I just end up closing the journal and putting it back in my closet. And while it will sometimes bring back the feelings I had while I was writing (even if it’s just for a fleeting moment, I still feel them) I have to laugh at what a complete drama queen I really was. The good thing is it made for some really fluid and creative writing, even if it does stay in the back of my closet.
My writing is the most serious of all writings…it is to be seen as nothing more than that of pure brilliance. For my writing is the infinite boredom of my consciousness poured out in my journal…AKA my Blog. Now when I was younger I also had quite a love for writing poetry. I must say that I was actually pretty good at this somewhat of a lost art and still would write but for this issue I have mentioned above. Oh, and I am sure the fact that my life is actually in a very stable place without drama is also adding to my writers block.
It would seem that unless I am in a deep dark hole of mental anguish drowning my pathetic, over-exaggerated, mountains out of mole hills issues in beer or vodka (or whatever substance seems to be there at the time) and smoking cigarettes I simply have nothing to write about. Ever notice how smart the artsy types look while smoking cigarettes in a coffee shop? You know; the ones that waft that sweet, sweet STALE aroma of ash tray and patchouli as they float by your table in their unwashed hair, ankle length skirt, tank top and flip-flops...the hippy wannabe “non-conformists” that somehow seem to look just like all the other hippy wannabe “non-conformists” out there. Yep, I was one of those…minus the patchouli. I just knew that fragrant scent of loam (patchouli smells like dirt to me) mixed with my perfume of sweet tobacco would send every man, woman and child that brushed by me into a cosmic tailspin of envy.
Well, now that I no longer suffer the angst of (insert huge dramatic terrible event from your adolescents or college years here) you can imagine the burden of dissatisfaction this fruitless basket of creativity has left me. It would seem that while in my happy place my creativity goes out the window. The funny thing is, now when I try to go back and read some of the poetry I wrote while in college and shortly after it is so depressing I just end up closing the journal and putting it back in my closet. And while it will sometimes bring back the feelings I had while I was writing (even if it’s just for a fleeting moment, I still feel them) I have to laugh at what a complete drama queen I really was. The good thing is it made for some really fluid and creative writing, even if it does stay in the back of my closet.
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