Don't Judge; LOVE

So I had a little epiphany today. Ok, maybe not an epiphany, but more like something I already knew finally sunk in.

Have you ever felt judged? Ok, obviously that was a rhetorical question. Have you ever felt judged by someone you see on a VERY regular basis? That is probably pretty obvious as well. We have all felt as though we were being judged. Sometimes it is our own insecurities, sometimes it is simply that the person we feel we are being judged by is just not very open, and sometimes that person actually is judging us. Regardless of whether or not we are, in fact being judged, the feelings we have are VERY real.

 I have been struggling for a few months with this exact situation. I feel like I am being judged by someone whom I really shouldn’t feel that way about. For whatever reason so many of my insecurities creep up whenever I am around them. I feel I have to be overly careful with what I say, how I say it and even how I react to things they may say or do. It is exhausting. Have you ever known someone whom you found so incredibly annoying that you actually found yourself being somewhat dismissive of them? You would never be out right rude, but you don’t go out of your way to be overly kind either. I know I have felt that way before. I’m not proud to admit that I have been quite dismissive, distant and indifferent to people I should have never felt that way about. I now know what it feels like to be the person who is on the receiving end of that not-quite-rude-but-very-passive-aggressive-obnoxious behavior. Now, whether or not what I am feeling when in the presence of this person is their intention is not the point. My feelings are real.

 What is also real is the bourdon I have been carrying around because of this feeling. I have become incredibly insecure about things that I have always been passionate about. I have allowed myself to second guess the gifts that God has blessed me with and I have scrutinized myself when I should be loving myself. I have also carried a large amount of resentment and frustration for this other person. I have allowed myself to pick apart their weaknesses. I have made jabs at them (to myself of course not directly to them), I have scrutinized their character and I have been unkind when venting to friends about this person (not that there is anything wrong with venting; just being unkind). I think all of this behavior that I have engaged in is quite normal. I think most of us have that instinct to attack when we feel we are being attacked.

I have prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed…you get the picture. I have reflected on this situation far more than I probably should have, as I have given it way, WAY too much power.

 What I have finally realized…well I shouldn’t say I “realized” this because I already knew it was the right thing to do…what I should say is what I have finally DECIDED to do is to turn those negative resentful feelings into love. Yes, I have decided to LOVE this person. As hard as it is, I need to do this not only because it is right and good but because it is the only thing that will truly free me from my little prison of frustration and conflict I have been in. I would encourage anyone in this situation to do the same thing. LOVE those who are judging you. And I don’t mean the “I will love them as a child of God” way, but really LOVE them. Find something about them that you admire. Something that they have within them that makes you think, “because of that quality this person makes the world a better place.” I’m not saying it will be easy. In fact, it’s damn hard. But I believe it can be done, as I am working on this part myself. When you see them, compliment them; make them feel good about themselves. Genuinely LOVE them the way you love a friend.

What I can say is that in the very short time since I have made my decision to love them whom I am being judged by, I somehow feel lighter. This person may still be judging me; they may still find me incredibly annoying, heck maybe it was all in my head. Whatever the case is I don’t care anymore. My focus is no longer making sure I somehow live up to the expectations of someone I really don’t even know that well. My focus is living up to the expectations of those who know and love me. My friends and family know I am not an unkind person. I was not raised to tear someone else down and myself in the process. I was taught to be loving and kind and open and accepting. Those are the opinions I care about and that is what really matters. As long as I lead with love God will handle the rest.